I only want to write a line or so about Chester. He died, unexpectedly, on September 18th...my second night in Corvallis. I am not really ready to talk about that yet, but suffice it to say he was my best friend and my heart dog, and I will never be the same without him. That was huge and heartbreaking and shattered my world. Moving on. Add to that a couple of other significant personal challenges, and I had the recipe for one hell of a tough first term in my new town, at my brand new vet school. Despite all that, I have been managing to cope. I have actually genuinely surprised myself, and it's kind of a nice surprise to discover that that's still possible (do I sound like a bitter, jaded old harpy? Haha). I still cry every night, and I still have those dreams where I can feel his rough, wavy coat under my fingertips as I sleep. I still wake up a lot and reach for him, and he's not there, and then the nightmare comes rushing back.
Now, I have Andy. Andy is not my dog- he's a 9 year-old very mixy black Lab-something, and he's hanging out with me for a while. He has just experienced huge loss as well, so we have that in common. He's a lovely, quirky, grey-faced old man, and he likes to sleep and take walks in the woods behind our apartment and play tug-of-war. He is learning about toys and the clicker- and has taken to both with fervent abandon. I can appreciate Andy for being his own special self, and for the most part I don't project any of my sadness or grief onto him. He is Andy, not Chester...I guess that makes it easier, in a way- there is really no dog that could remind me of him, because he existed on his own plane of importance and significance and love and joy in my life.
The other day, I was driving up the street towards my apartment. I live on sort of a forested little mountain-y hill, just slightly outside of the centre of the town. I love the area; I enjoy the quiet and the woods and the smell of pine trees in the rain. At any rate, I was driving, and there were the inevitable tears, and I don't remember what exactly I was thinking about in that second, but I happened to see a beautiful black-tailed stag step into the street. As I slowed to a stop to let him cross, I saw another move out into the street behind him. As I marveled at my luck, I continued to watch in awe as not 2, not 3, but 9 deer (including a couple of fawns) crossed the street in front of me. They weren't in any hurry, and the little group paused to graze on a lawn across the street. A jogger ran past and did a double take- the deer weren't even fazed. I just felt so very lucky to have seen that, and I think in that moment I really needed to have some wildlife make an appearance and remind me to appreciate the moment and to be grateful for the many wonderful things I have, and have had, and will always have, in my life.
The vet school here is beautiful, and the people are really lovely. It feels like a very supportive environment, and I am joining the shelter medicine club (!!!!), the association of equine practitioners, the international veterinary students association (which plans and executes a large/small animal health clinic each summer in Nicaragua!), and the zoo/wildlife/exotics club. There's so much more to do and take part in, but everything is so overwhelming right now that I'm trying to take one thing at a time (right now, it's get through the 4-midterms-in-6-days nonsense that we've been subjected to- 3 down, 1 to go!). I've actually done very, very well in school so far. I don't know how it's happening, but I'm grateful for it.
So, there it is. I'm at my new vet school, I'm doing it in spite of my fears that I wouldn't be able to, and hopefully things will just get more manageable with time. Sending lots of love, and I hope you're all doing amazingly well in your little corners of the world. xo
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